I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
SF is the wild wild west man
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Natural selection at its finest
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her