Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
You Might Also Like
These work great until they don’t.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Huge, if true.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Thinking about Jeff
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.