Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.