The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
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Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.