With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.