I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Things will get butter, keep churning
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it