Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.