Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
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who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Go hard or stay average
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.