[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.