(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever