I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
hey, alexa
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?