ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Owl Sanctuary
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly