[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I created you as mosquito food.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Sorry not sorry.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.