Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Monica just destroyed the internet
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.