Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
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ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind