Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
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Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other