in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
can’t bark with your mouth full