Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
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I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*me flirting
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
School be like
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”