For anyone who needs this today
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Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?