Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
You Might Also Like
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?