Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My time has come.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise