DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.