Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes