“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
A completely valid reaction tbh
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.