Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
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I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Hit me in the face with a bird
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
#math
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
The Struggle
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals