I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Knock Knock
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
*limbos away from your hug*
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans