my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta