colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!