Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Strangers have the best candy.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice