If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
.. do you even science?
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.