My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Fiction has to make sense.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.