Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A great tip. #CakeRex
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.