Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy