Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.