Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Print is alive and well!!!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
He-man has a Masters degree
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.