[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.