This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
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whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…