[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
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“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
i will not be silenced
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.