I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
You Might Also Like
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
accurate
was Jim off killing horses or…
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”