“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.