since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
You sure about that?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.