“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”