[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Bit chilly again tonight.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.