I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Panda express…馃惗馃惥馃惣馃挩馃槄
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 馃憤
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
#math
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touch茅
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.