if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
6: are snakes just neck?
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
These are my roll models.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.