My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.