eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
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I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
same bro
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.