-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.