I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold