You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.